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Sep. 30th, 2005 07:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geeky_agentI've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
There's a quote, not an entire quote but just a few fragments of it that have been running through Chris' mind all day. "Grief feels like fear. Perhaps, more like suspense. Like waiting, just hanging around, waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling."
Maybe she was waiting for something. Though she shouldn't and she knew this. He's not coming back. It didn't matter if Elaine had, the fact that he was here was enough of a miracle. Why would she get a second chance.
'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.' As the saying went. Just another of those infuriating, simple-minded statements you hear from people at times like these. She paced around the room, looking for what - if anything - she wanted to take with her. But she could barely keep a thought in her head long enough to get anything done.
She rubs her arms and feels a little shame, thinking about what she'd been given and how much she took for granted. Caiti and Ryan would never have a second chance to see their father, they would never know what she did and she hadn't even appreciated it.
And, God, if they knew about my relationship with Jack...
Chris swallows and starts moving around the room again. Grabbing the book Jack gave her, the sweater Elaine made for her and the pictures, she makes a small pile on the bed. She walks over to the dresser, her steps quick, and looks for the clothes she was wearing when she arrived back at Milliways. She had seen the door this morning and had made up her mind to leave almost immediately.
If she stayed here, she'd always be waiting for him to come back and she couldn't do that.
"I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action had their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead to H. So many roads now culs de sac."
She needed time away from this place, time to think. Chris ran her fingers through her hair and wondered if Jack was avoiding her. Why not? I'm avoiding him. She'd have to go find him and tell him she was leaving.
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.
* Quotes (or a misremembered but still close version thereof) from CS Lewis' A Grief Observed. I'm not even going to admit who the whitetext is by.
There's a quote, not an entire quote but just a few fragments of it that have been running through Chris' mind all day. "Grief feels like fear. Perhaps, more like suspense. Like waiting, just hanging around, waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling."
Maybe she was waiting for something. Though she shouldn't and she knew this. He's not coming back. It didn't matter if Elaine had, the fact that he was here was enough of a miracle. Why would she get a second chance.
'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.' As the saying went. Just another of those infuriating, simple-minded statements you hear from people at times like these. She paced around the room, looking for what - if anything - she wanted to take with her. But she could barely keep a thought in her head long enough to get anything done.
She rubs her arms and feels a little shame, thinking about what she'd been given and how much she took for granted. Caiti and Ryan would never have a second chance to see their father, they would never know what she did and she hadn't even appreciated it.
And, God, if they knew about my relationship with Jack...
Chris swallows and starts moving around the room again. Grabbing the book Jack gave her, the sweater Elaine made for her and the pictures, she makes a small pile on the bed. She walks over to the dresser, her steps quick, and looks for the clothes she was wearing when she arrived back at Milliways. She had seen the door this morning and had made up her mind to leave almost immediately.
If she stayed here, she'd always be waiting for him to come back and she couldn't do that.
"I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action had their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead to H. So many roads now culs de sac."
She needed time away from this place, time to think. Chris ran her fingers through her hair and wondered if Jack was avoiding her. Why not? I'm avoiding him. She'd have to go find him and tell him she was leaving.
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.
* Quotes (or a misremembered but still close version thereof) from CS Lewis' A Grief Observed. I'm not even going to admit who the whitetext is by.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2005-10-02 06:45 pm (UTC)"Okay. I'm not sure when I'll be leaving here, and if I do, I'm not sure when I'll be able to call. It probably won't be safe for me to contact anyone for a few months at least. But I'll make sure Kim gets it."
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Date: 2005-10-02 07:08 pm (UTC)"I should get going."
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Date: 2005-10-02 07:09 pm (UTC)He gives her a kiss on the cheek before stepping back, toward the door. "Love you. Be careful."
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Date: 2005-10-02 07:17 pm (UTC)She's replying to both statements.
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Date: 2005-10-02 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-02 07:27 pm (UTC)Chris shakes her head. "Jack...don't..."
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Date: 2005-10-02 07:39 pm (UTC)He swallows. "When you get back, I'll be here waiting for you. But you have to be the one to decide if you're going to wait for me."
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Date: 2005-10-02 07:51 pm (UTC)And the waiting wouldn't be so bad but it was the not knowing that would gnaw at her.
She nods. "I know."
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Date: 2005-10-02 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-02 08:01 pm (UTC)Right now, she's so drained and all she wants to do is go home, to her bed, and rest. Chris walks to the door, opens it, and without a look back leaves her room.