(no subject)

[geeky_agent]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

There's a quote, not an entire quote but just a few fragments of it that have been running through Chris' mind all day. "Grief feels like fear. Perhaps, more like suspense. Like waiting, just hanging around, waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling."

Maybe she was waiting for something. Though she shouldn't and she knew this. He's not coming back. It didn't matter if Elaine had, the fact that he was here was enough of a miracle. Why would she get a second chance.

'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.' As the saying went. Just another of those infuriating, simple-minded statements you hear from people at times like these. She paced around the room, looking for what - if anything - she wanted to take with her. But she could barely keep a thought in her head long enough to get anything done.

She rubs her arms and feels a little shame, thinking about what she'd been given and how much she took for granted. Caiti and Ryan would never have a second chance to see their father, they would never know what she did and she hadn't even appreciated it.

And, God, if they knew about my relationship with Jack...

Chris swallows and starts moving around the room again. Grabbing the book Jack gave her, the sweater Elaine made for her and the pictures, she makes a small pile on the bed. She walks over to the dresser, her steps quick, and looks for the clothes she was wearing when she arrived back at Milliways. She had seen the door this morning and had made up her mind to leave almost immediately.

If she stayed here, she'd always be waiting for him to come back and she couldn't do that.

"I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action had their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead to H. So many roads now culs de sac."

She needed time away from this place, time to think. Chris ran her fingers through her hair and wondered if Jack was avoiding her. Why not? I'm avoiding him. She'd have to go find him and tell him she was leaving.

But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.

* Quotes (or a misremembered but still close version thereof) from CS Lewis' A Grief Observed. I'm not even going to admit who the whitetext is by.

Comments

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He'd wanted to go see Chris as soon as Kim told him about Ryan's leaving, but in the end he'd decided to wait. Give Elaine some time to tell her first, and let her have some time for it to start to sink in. Showing up at her door right after Elaine told her might just be a bit too much at once.

Waiting hadn't been that easy, and he hadn't slept well. Needless to say, he doesn't wait long the next day to knock at her door.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris turned towards the door and sighed. She knew who it was without asking.

She walked over and opened the door, stepping aside to let him in. "Hi."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Hi. I'm guessing Elaine talked to you?" he says, putting a hand on her arm.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," she whispered. She looked down, her mouth in a tight line.

"I though we'd have more time."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

It's hard to see her hurting like this and not be able to do anything to help. All he can do is gently pull her into a hug, holding her loosely enough that if she wants to back away, she can.

"I know, sweetheart. Trust me, I know." He well remembers what it was like to say goodbye to Teri, both times.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris lets him hold her and feels her eyes water. She tries to breathe through her nose to keep from sobbing but the tightness in her throat is almost painful.

"I just wanted to say goodbye."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He holds her a little more tightly, gently stroking her hair. "I know. I'm sorry, sweetheart," he says quietly, his voice a little thick.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

She lets herself cry in his arms for a while. It was comforting but it didn't erase that feeling of anxiety, that restlessness. Chris knew it would be a long time before that went away.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

Jack just holds onto her and lets her cry; it's all he can do to help at the moment.

As her sobs come more quietly and farther between, he notices the bundle of belongings on the bed. He has an idea of what it means, and he can feel his stomach sink a little, but he doesn't mention anything just yet. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, after all.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

When Chris is a little calmer she pulls away to look at him. Still in his arms, she strokes the side of his face with her hand.

"I'm going home for a while."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He gives her an attempt at a smile. "Yeah I thought it looked like it. You can see the door now, then?"

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

And she knows what he's thinking and she's not sure how to reassure him. Or if she can.

"Yes, since last night."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He nods. He can't keep her here if she wants to--needs to--leave. He doesn't want a girlfriend just to keep her in a glass cage, and he doesn't want a girlfriend that would want that, either. If she wants to go home, he has to stand back and let her go.

That doesn't mean he wants her to go, though.

"Okay." He kisses her forehead, resting his head against hers. "I'm going to miss you."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"I'll miss you too," she says, not yet moving from his arms. I hope I'm not away too long.

"I love you."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"I love you too," he says, bending a little to kiss her.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris kisses him back and, for a moment considers staying.

She breaks off the kiss, she couldn't stay.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

As she breaks the kiss he pulls back a little, resting one hand lightly on her hip, the other brushing her hair away from her face.

"I know, you have to get going. At least when you get back, everything that's going on that will be over by ten in the morning."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris' frown deepens and she averts her eyes.

"I forgot about that."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Well at least you know it'll be okay. Or at least it won't get any worse from where you came in." Though considering she'd re-entered the bar after Air Force One crashed, killing the President and much of his staff, that wasn't saying much. It could have been much, much worse, though.

"At least you don't have to worry about whether people will be safe, though."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," she says softly, with a slight nod. But she'd know what was going to happen to Jack and Lee and she would have to just wait and let it happen. She couldn't do anything.

She turns he head and gestures towards the desk. "I don't know how long I'll be gone. After last time and everything. I wrote down some numbers and an address," she turns back towards Jack, "if you or Kim want to get in touch with me."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He gives her a small smile; trying to not show how much this is hurting is probably a pretty moot point, but old habits die hard.

"Okay. I'm not sure when I'll be leaving here, and if I do, I'm not sure when I'll be able to call. It probably won't be safe for me to contact anyone for a few months at least. But I'll make sure Kim gets it."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"All right," she whispers. Chris leans in to kiss him again and knows she'll have to leave soon if she's going to leave at all.

"I should get going."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. I'd better go so you can get your stuff together." And so we don't draw this out any longer.

He gives her a kiss on the cheek before stepping back, toward the door. "Love you. Be careful."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris gives him a small smile. "You too."

She's replying to both statements.

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He rests his hand on the doorknob for a moment before looking up at her. "Chris, if you meet anyone else back at home...don't worry about me."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

In hindsight, she should have expected this but it still took her by surprise and hurt.

Chris shakes her head. "Jack...don't..."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He sighs, blinking quickly. "Sweetheart, I don't want to lose you, but I can't ask you to put your life on hold for me either. I can't ask that any more than I can ask you to stay here."

He swallows. "When you get back, I'll be here waiting for you. But you have to be the one to decide if you're going to wait for me."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

He was right, she knew this and she realized how long this seperation could be. Months, years even.

And the waiting wouldn't be so bad but it was the not knowing that would gnaw at her.

She nods. "I know."

[action-antihero.livejournal.com]

He nods. "I love you. I'll se you when you get back," he says softly, before turning away and opening the door.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris watches him leave and turns to look back at the bed. She gathers up the things she has there and looks around the room for anything more.

Right now, she's so drained and all she wants to do is go home, to her bed, and rest. Chris walks to the door, opens it, and without a look back leaves her room.