Thinking

[geeky_agent]

Chris walked into the room, set the food down on the night table and then sat down in the chair. Her father followed. He closed the door and brought the desk chair closer to where she was sitting.

She's tired but not sure she can sleep, her mind is wide awake. She tried to sleep in the cell but was too anxious. She wanted to cry but breaking down in front of Jasin was enough, she wasn't going to start crying her cell. Instead Chris spent most of her time pacing around the cell or staring off into space, thinking.

Seeing Saunders, making him pay for what he did was something she had thought about often since her father was murdered.

Murdered.

When she imagined meeting Saunders, it was always a memory of her father or being with her family that brought it to mind.

When she actually met Saunders, she hadn't really thought of them. At least not in the way that she had expected. She had still been shaken from her conversation with Jasin. The reality of Jack's death had hit her and she was saddened.

And horrified by her own reaction.

She hadn't cried about it until then and until then she had tried not to think about what feelings she might have for Jack. She wanted to write it off to loneliness or lust or temporary insanity. But it was more.

When she saw Saunders it was her betrayal fresh on her mind. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she should feel guilty about her relationship with Jack. It wasn't fair that Jack had to pull the trigger. It's not fair that my dad is dead. Saunders killed him for nothing. It wasn't because of the bank accounts, it was because he could. He got off on it and he didn't care. He still didn't care. It's a fucking joke to him!

Her father sat down on the chair and she looked over at him. He was unwrapping the pack of cigarettes and she was reminded of the last Christmas she spent with him. He came to New York and they were in a restaraunt. He sat across from her, unwrapping a pack of cigarettes like he was now. She made a face but didn't say anything. They talked. He told her he was thinking about taking a trip next year. Maybe to Russia again, he wasn't sure.

He never went.

It's not fair. He had told her he was used to Milliways. He wasn't unhappy here but that doesn't mean he's happy either. How could he be? He can't see his family again, he can't tell them anything. He can't travel. He can't go to a museum. He's stuck here till God know's when, relying on the whims of the universe.

He deserves more than this.

She looks out the window again, memories of what had happened in this room flooding her mind. The knife in her stomach twisted a little more.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

Ryan taps the bottom of the cigarette package and takes the first cigarette that slides out.

He looks around and quirks an eyebrow at the ashtray that appears on the desk. He grabs it and is about to strike a match to light a cigarette when he remembers he hasn't asked first.

Cigarette still between his fingers he asks, "Chris, do you mind?"

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris is pulled from her thoughts and forces herself to look back at her dad.

"No, no, go ahead."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"Thanks." He puts the cigarette in his mouth, lights it and takes a drag.

His throat feels drier almost instantly but he doesn't cough. Just a minor irritation. Ryan holds the cigarette to the side so the smoke doesn't blow towards Chris.

"so, what happened?"

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Watching him smoke is painfully familiar. Remembering him sitting outside after meals sometimes, never smoking in the house, but he would sit on one of the chairs and look at the lawn, tapping the ash onto the grass.

She looks away now but she knows if he's smoking, he's upset.

"I don't know."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

Ryan doesn't say anything to this.

He looks at the food but doesn't think about trying to eat any of it. He wonders if Chris has eaten much, in between being "sick" and what happened last night. She didn't really tell him what she wanted so she ordered for her.

"Did he say anything? Do anything?" He wasn't sure if Saunders would recognize her but he seemed to know enough about him that it was possible. His lips twist into a frown at that thought.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"No, he didn't say or do anything. His presence was enough."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

He took another drag of the cigarette and nodded. That was about as much as he expected really. It was surprising but it wasn't.

"I know it'll be difficult, Chris" he sighs, "but you'll just have to ignore him."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"I wasn't thinking when I saw him in the bar. In that moment, I wanted to hurt him. He arranged for your death and for no reason except that he could and his death was too quick, too easy. He should have had to pay."

There may be a gleam in her eye as she speaks.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

Ryan just raises an eyebrow at this and looks at her for a few moments.

"I understand that, Chris. Believe me. But you'll only be hurting yourself if you go after him. I really don't want you to spend your time in a jail at the end of universe."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"Three people who arranged and executed your death were in the bar and you're friends with one of them and polite to the other. I don't understand it. I...really don't."

She looks at him, "Stephen Saunders is in the bar. He killed a thousand people. He wanted you dead and your only response is that I should just avoid him? If I could get Saunders, I wouldn't mind spending that time in jail."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"Yes, it is. And I expect you to listen to me," he says, exhaling a puff of gray smoke.

"Chris, Saunders is dead. You can't do anything to him. I know that's not the answer you want to hear but that's just the way things are. You'll have to accept that."

He ashes his cigarette. "And I thought you were getting along better with Jack."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

She had felt some measure of satisfaction when her hands were wrapped around his throat and she should feel guilty about it but instead she just wishes she could have squeezed harder.

"So I can't get revenge outside and I can't get revenge in here and no one can ever know the truth and even when Stephen Saunders is here and can be *hurt*, I can't touch him."

Chris looks away, "Since he's going to die and not coming back here I don't think that matters."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"He might come back here," Ryan shrugs.

He looks down at the night table, frowning slightly. He couldn't blame Chris for wanting revenge, he did too. He'd wanted that since arriving here and realizing that revenge or justice couldn't be found had been difficult to accept.

Having Chris here helped. He had to be reasonable for her.

But now he was reminded how unfair it was and that it would never be fair.

Ryan reaches out and touches her arm. "Chris, nothing you do can change the past. And I don't want you to get wrapped up in trying. I want you to move on with your life and be happy."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Jack also told her to be happy. Everyone wanted her to be happy and go on with her life but they kept making it harder to do so.

They kept assuming that being happy was a state that she could attain if she just tried hard enough. But she didn't want to move on, not really.

Her dad touching her arm only reminds her of how he can't do that out in the world. And she's betrayed him in her heart. And he has no idea.

She closes her eyes, then stands and walks to the window, looking out at the unfamiliar landscape.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

He tils his head at this. He knew Chris was bothered by this and by everything else that had been happening but he didn't know what he could say or do.

"I spoke to Jasin Natael," he says and tags a drag of his cigarette.

"He was able to use his abilities and told me that Elaine isn't in the bar."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

At the mention of Jasin, Chris takes a shaky breath, remembering the way his music made her feel.

"She's not? Where is she?" Chris folds her arms over her chest when she turns back around, more for support than distance.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"I don't know," he answers quietly.

"Somewhere outside the bar. In another universe or world." He rolls the cigarette between his fingers. "She's alive. I know that much."

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry. I know how much you care about her. I hope she's able to find her way back here soon."

But Chris isn't really thinking about Elaine at the moment.

At least she's alive and will probably come back

And Elaine never hurt anyone.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"I do too," Ryan says with a nod.

He looks at her and feels a little guilty for not spending enough time with her the past few days. He knew she had been upset over something but with Elaine missing he let that dominate him mind.

"Chris, what's wrong?"

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

She bites her lower lip and looks over at him, leaning against the wall.

"Dad, have you ever done something you knew was wrong?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

He furrowed his brow, surprised by this question.

"Yes, I have. Why?"

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"I got involved with someone that I shouldn't have and I can't take it back."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"Oh," Ryan says after a moment. This wasn't what he had expected to hear and he was a little thrown.

"Well, that happens. Especially, when you're young," he adds and takes a drag of his cigarette. He hopes it wasn't a married guy, he would think Chris would have a little self-respect than that.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"It was someone here. Someone you know," she continued.

Her stomach's turning and she's feeling a little light headed and has to force herself to remember to breathe.

She doesn't want to tell him but she can't not tell him.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"All right," he answers slowly. This is making him nervous. He ran down a mental list of all the men he knew Chris talked to in the bar and could only think of two people.

It could be Lee, the ex-boyfriend. He hoped it was. He didn't seem like a bad guy although Ryan couldn't figure out why Chris dated him.

Although that wouldn't explain why she would be nervous.

The only other possibility was Jasin Natael. Please don't let it be him. Please. True, Asmodean had helped him with regards to Elaine but still... The man is far too dangerous. Please, don't let it be him.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Her dad looks a little worried and she tries to think of how to phrase this news.

"It's not someone that I ever thought I'd even not hate, let alone..."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

Ryan's getting more impatient.

"Chris, who is it?"

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"Jack."

She forces herself not to wince waiting for his response.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"Bauer?" he whispers and looks at her, stunned.

He's refusing to believe it's possible even though that's the only "Jack," he knows.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

She nods a little.

"I'm sorry." She says immediately, but isn't sure that this even something that an apology can ever cover. I'm sorry that I slept with the man who killed you doesn't sound right.

But she can't think of it as a mistake driven by lust and lonliness anymore, so she had to tell him.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

"You were having a relationship with him?"

Ryan takes a final drag of his cigarette before putting it out. He's tempted to light up another one.

This is not possible.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"Right before he left," she admits.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

He clenches his jaw. "I see."

"How long was this going on?"

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

"About a week," she feels like a child again.

One kiss, two nights together, barely a relationship, barely anything...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

Cigarettes in pocket, Ryan gets up from the chair unable to sit any longer. He paces a little as he tries to wrap his head around this.

A week. I spoke to both of them and they both lied to me.

"So you've been lying to me for about a week now," he says. It's a rhetorical question.

God, if Jack were here I'd kill himself.

He realizes Jack's probably dead now and he looks at Chris. She looks miserable and for a second he feels sorry for her.

But it also makes him angrier. It somehow feels manipulative on her part. Him. She got into a relationship with him?

"What were you thinking?"

He puts his hands up. "Y'know what, I don't care. Do not care."

He turns to walk out of the room.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris doesn't answer him, she can't. There are no answers.

What was I thinking? How could I have done this to him?

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to do anything to hurt you. I didn't...I'll never see him again."

Which is either a promise or a fact - probably closer to the latter.

And she hates herself because she knows that if he somehow comes back, she won't be able to stop herself from being happy to see him again.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_chappy_/]

Ryan's pauses. His grip on the door knob tightens when she says this and he thinks of a few things he could say.

But he doesn't. He just shakes his head, opens the door and slams it shut behind him.

[geeky-agent.livejournal.com]

Chris knows better than to try and go after him.

She leans against the wall and looks up at the ceiling, as if the answers are written there.

For the first time in her life she hopes for alien abduction.

She knew he'd be angry. She's old enough to know that people need time to cool down sometimes. But she's not sure that things will ever be the same between them.

And she tries and fails to choke back a sob and then she walks to her bed and covers her face, unable to stop the tears from falling.