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January 15, 2011

Chris curled up on the couch, staring into space. The television muted because she found the sound distracting, the only noise was the sound of a radio being played next store.

She was supposed to be at Jeannie's birthday party but she told her brother she wouldn't be able to make it. Lying, she said she was sick. She felt bad but not as much as she should, probably. She just couldn't be around her family. It was to difficult to pretend, to lie around them. It was always difficult, Chris couldn't count the number of times she had almost slipped up and mentioned something she shouldn't.

Last night, she dreamt of the trainyard. She had woken up, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of her and she started to wonder if what she had seen had even been real. She knew other things hadn't been real, why would that be?

But it didn't change things and from what her father had told her, it was close enough to the truth.

She turned on her side, curled into a fetal position and wishing that she could just not think about this for a while.

At least she couldn't see the door, that was a good thing. The temptation to go back was too strong, though there wasn't much to go back too. She was still angry at her father, even if she felt horrible for feeling that way. Her relationship with Jack was over and she knew she was wrong, she knew it was silly but right now she wondered if she'd ever feel ok again.

And everyone else would want to talk and that's the last thing she did.

Chris wrapped the blankets tighter around her, feeling cold despite the heavy sweater and blankets. Maybe she'd go into work tomorrow, just to have something to do. Anything was better than hanging around here.

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March 4, 2011

For the second time that night, she was glad she wore a dress. Easier to slip back into, she was dressed in what seemed like seconds.

"Well, you're in a hurry."

Chris could tell he was hurt and winced but didn't feel like slowing down. "Should I stay?"

James scoffed at this and looked around the room. "I can't believe this." He pulled his jeans from the floor and Chris looked away.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. It was weak and she knew it. She wondered how she'd go back to class after this, how she was going to keep seeing him.

Partially-dressed now he stood up but didn't move any closer. Not yet. He didn't seem angry, just hurt and Chris would had preferred the anger. "So...these past few weeks. You didn't...?" He sighed. "Didn't you know how I felt?"

"Yes." He never actually said but she could guess. "I thought you knew how I felt."

James' mouth twists into a bitter smile and his eyes are bright. He shakes his head again and looks down, muttering, "I thought I did too."

A long silence stretches between them, lasting no more than a couple minutes but to Chris it feels like hours. She pickes up her purse, sliding it up to her shoulder. She looks at James one more time and feels like crying.

"I'm so sorry."

Then she leaves.

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April 30, 2011

Maybe visiting had been a mistake.

Ryan turns to her, lowering the sound on the tv. "What's going on with you?"

She tries very hard not to sigh. "Nothing's going on with me. I wanted the job, they didn't have a space here so I'm moving back to LA."

Her brother shakes his head. "No. No. You've been acting strange for a while. When you moved here you, you were happy to be back, now you're happy to leave?"

"What is this about?"

He sighs, his expression softening. "Jeannie's been worried about you. She says you're distant."

Chris folds her arms, feeling guilty and defensive all at once. "If she's worried she can talk to me about it."

"She's tried."

"There's nothing wrong."

Ryan spares a glance towards his daughter, still napping on the other couch. When he speaks again his voice is lower than before but tinged with annoyance. "Caiti tells me she hasn't received an email from you in weeks, Jeannie tells me you're barely speaking to her, I haven't seen you in four months and now you tell me you're moving across the country?"

It takes all of her control not to snap at him. "I've been busy."

"Yeah. Fine." He turns back towards the tv, frowning.

Chris stands up, not wanting to stay here much longer. "I should go. Tell Jeannie I'm sorry I couldn't stay."

Almost as soon as she says the words, she knows what her brother's response will be. He doesn't even turn around as he says it. "No. You call and you tell her yourself."

"Fine."

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May 21, 2011

She hated this part of a move, the packing and unpacking.

As soon as she's accepted to the job at District, Chris had started packing. When the semester was over and her two weeks were up, she left. It was surprising how easy it had been, even with the money Ameritrade had offered her to stay. That had been easy to leave behind, stalling on her degree hadn't been.

Chris had the odd feeling she was running away, which didn't make sense. There was nothing to run away from.

But settling sometime might not be a bad idea.

Rather than taking a flight, Chris had opted to drive. She packed her belongings into a moving van and took off, relishing the chance to be alone for while on this mini-vacation. In that time she realized this was the ninth time she had moved and the seventh time in the past fifteen years. Between Army life and her family, she'd never stayed in one any one place for more than a few years.

Or maybe it wasn't any of that. Maybe it was just her. She didn't live in one place for long, didn't keep jobs for long. She was thirty and had only one relationship that lasted more than a year.

Chris pushed a box away, sighing. She was full of nervous energy and starting to feel cooped-up in this apartment. It was a change from all that time on the road. She got to her feet, heading towards the kitchen. Maybe she'd call Tony and Michelle, see how they were doing.