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The Space Between
Jun. 17th, 2005 12:41 amChris walked outside and the night air felt unusually cold to her. The alcohol has flushed her cheeks and made her feel warm but now that warmth was fading. She rubbed her arms and continued walking closer to the lake.
Her steps were slower than normal. She hadn't had enough to be drunk, just enough for a buzz. Just enough to give her a hazy cushion so things didn't hurt as much.
It does hurt. She doesn't know why. She hadn't loved Lee and she had known that he didn't love her. Even while they were together she knew their relationship wouldn't last long. Chris was very pragmatic about that relationship, she was about all of them.
But still it hurt. It was hard to think that the whole time they were together, everything had been an act and she'd just been too blind to see it. At the very least, she had thought that Lee was attracted to her.
Chris sat down by the shore and hugged her knees to her.
The books the bar had been giving her had been making her think about her relationships. She'd never had a "bad" relationship, no abusive or unfaithful exes in her background. Not many screaming fights or cruel words used. When they ended it was quietly. Not in an explosion but like a candle being snuffed out.
Most had ended on her terms. She had broken up with Lee. A small comfort now. At the very least she had realized he wasn't in love with her and that the feeling was more than mutual. She had left Jason, even though he told her he would move to New York to be with her. Instead of feeling honored, she had just felt sad and trapped. She had broken off the engagement with Alex, realizing she had wanted more. She wanted what her brother had with Jeannie and what her parents had in their marriage. She didn't want to settle.
Chris was good at that. She couldn't start a relationship, she certainly couldn't sustain one. But she could end one.
She looked out across the water and thought about Mark. For some reason he'd been on her mind a lot since Lee came back.
Like a movie, she had seen Mark across a room and had felt her heart skip a beat. Too shy to get his name then, she met him again a few weeks later when he was back at the Academy teaching a course. She had spoken to him a few times after and every time she'd been amazed that she hadn't made a complete fool out of herself. She was sure now she must have, the giggly first-year mooning after the handsome captain. Something about being around him made her feel giddy and light.
They had only spoken a few times. Four times in total. Nothing more than a one-sided schoolgirl crush. The last time was just before he was deployed.
Jeannie had told her about the accident, the tank had rolled and Mark had been killed. She had hugged Chris and told her she was sorry. Chris had asked her why she was saying that before crumpling in her arms.
Sometimes even now she didn't think she had any right to feel sad over that. Sad that someone died but not the way she had felt then. (And sometimes still did.)
Chris laid her head on her arms, shivering as she looked out over the lake.
Her steps were slower than normal. She hadn't had enough to be drunk, just enough for a buzz. Just enough to give her a hazy cushion so things didn't hurt as much.
It does hurt. She doesn't know why. She hadn't loved Lee and she had known that he didn't love her. Even while they were together she knew their relationship wouldn't last long. Chris was very pragmatic about that relationship, she was about all of them.
But still it hurt. It was hard to think that the whole time they were together, everything had been an act and she'd just been too blind to see it. At the very least, she had thought that Lee was attracted to her.
Chris sat down by the shore and hugged her knees to her.
The books the bar had been giving her had been making her think about her relationships. She'd never had a "bad" relationship, no abusive or unfaithful exes in her background. Not many screaming fights or cruel words used. When they ended it was quietly. Not in an explosion but like a candle being snuffed out.
Most had ended on her terms. She had broken up with Lee. A small comfort now. At the very least she had realized he wasn't in love with her and that the feeling was more than mutual. She had left Jason, even though he told her he would move to New York to be with her. Instead of feeling honored, she had just felt sad and trapped. She had broken off the engagement with Alex, realizing she had wanted more. She wanted what her brother had with Jeannie and what her parents had in their marriage. She didn't want to settle.
Chris was good at that. She couldn't start a relationship, she certainly couldn't sustain one. But she could end one.
She looked out across the water and thought about Mark. For some reason he'd been on her mind a lot since Lee came back.
Like a movie, she had seen Mark across a room and had felt her heart skip a beat. Too shy to get his name then, she met him again a few weeks later when he was back at the Academy teaching a course. She had spoken to him a few times after and every time she'd been amazed that she hadn't made a complete fool out of herself. She was sure now she must have, the giggly first-year mooning after the handsome captain. Something about being around him made her feel giddy and light.
They had only spoken a few times. Four times in total. Nothing more than a one-sided schoolgirl crush. The last time was just before he was deployed.
Jeannie had told her about the accident, the tank had rolled and Mark had been killed. She had hugged Chris and told her she was sorry. Chris had asked her why she was saying that before crumpling in her arms.
Sometimes even now she didn't think she had any right to feel sad over that. Sad that someone died but not the way she had felt then. (And sometimes still did.)
Chris laid her head on her arms, shivering as she looked out over the lake.
