He rubs his thumb along the back of her hand, not looking at her because it's marginally easier to talk about this if he doesn't have to look at her and as much as he doesn't want to say any of this, he has to. Say it and he still might lose her; don't say it and he definitely will. It's not much of a choice. "I feel guilty, too. I still...I still feel guilty about what happened that day, and I feel guilty about this too. Like I haven't done enough damage already." He can feel the familair guilt, hear the familiar thoughts in his head, and he closes his eyes, bracing himself against the onslaught.

"And there's part of me that tries to explain it away that it's really Saunders' fault, and I shouldn't have to give something up that makes me happy because of something I didn't have any choice in, but...telling myself that just sounds selfish somehow, and it doesn't quite work. Not surprisingly. I don't know if any of it's true, but even if it is, I'm not sure it would keep me from feeling this way. So instead, like everything else, I just try not to think about it," he says with a bitter laugh, though it cracks in the middle. The lump is back in his throat again.